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Translation Guide for Some of the Common IVR messages

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what they say what callers think they mean Recommendation to call centers
You can access our website to answer most questions.  Our website can be found at www.bigcompany.com.  Thatís double-you, double-you, double-you. Dot bee, eye, gee, see, oh, em, pee, a, en, why, dot see, oh, em We are too cheap to hire enough customer service representatives, so we'd rather you do the work instead of having us help you with the problem our product or service has caused for you.  We really think you are to stupid too figure out what our web site address is without our assistance.  We want you to go to our web site rather than call us, even though your web site will not be able to assist me with my problem. Get rid of this.  Callers are aware that a support web site exists and do not have to be told this or how to go there. They have probably wasted time trying to use it and are calling because it did not work for them.
Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed.  Either (a) we change our menus recklessly with no regard for whether you are used to them or (b) we rarely change our menus but we forgot to remove that message, and again we'd rather make you do the work to listen to all messages and options every time you call, instead of us having a qualified customer support representative who can quickly handle any question for you. (It is funny that companies think customers can use the website to answer most questions, yet their own customer support agents must always transfer you once or more to the "right department" who is the only department who knows how to answer your particular question.)  Get rid of this.  If you truly did change the menu, callers will figure it out pretty quickly. 
Your call is important to us.  You are not important enough for us to have a human answer your call, but we think you are stupid enough to feel good when we say we are important.  Get rid of this.  It is patronizing and insults the caller.
Due to unusually high call volumes, wait times may be longer than normal.  We are too cheap and shortsighted to hire enough customer service agents.  Get rid of these. If you have long wait times, tell us honestly how long they are so we can decide whether we should wait in line or not.  Better yet, offer to call us back when the humans are available to assist us. 
Your call will be handled by the next available representative Absolutely not true. The next available representative will handle the guy that has been waiting longest. Think about it. 
Your call may be recorded for training purposes.  We can use this recording against you for any future purpose we want.  Get rid of this. The regulations were not intended to apply to quality assurance recorded calls.
Your call may be recorded for training purposes.  We can use this recording against you for any future purpose we want.  Get rid of this. The regulations were not intended to apply to quality assurance recorded calls.

 

 

 

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